4 Ways To Respond To Your Spouse’s Porn Problem

As an author and speaker about the inner thoughts and feelings of men, including the visual nature of men, I get a lot of questions from my audiences, like this very common one: “I just discovered my spouse is using porn and am devastated. What should I do?

My team and I always want to have answers, but since we are social researchers and not counselors, we interviewed Michael Todd Wilson to get his take on this. Michael Todd (MT) is a licensed professional counselor and a certified sex therapist who we highly respect. He gives counsel and advice to men and women all over the country on these topics, and we wanted to tap into his wisdom for a series of articles based on our interviews with him.

What follows is professional and practical advice for the person who has discovered their spouse using porn. For simplicity, we wrote from the viewpoint of a wife discovering her husband’s porn habit, as that is the majority of cases, but the same advice would apply if the roles are reversed.

This advice also assumes the spouses in question have a personal faith in God. We know not all readers will share that personal faith, but we unapologetically believe no one can do this on their own. If you find yourself in this situation, reach out to God and see that you can rely on Him for help in all areas of life – starting with your own difficulties right now.

And that is vital because as you will see, it is essential to ask God to give you the ability to respond well before you tackle this topic with your mate, to have not only good, firm boundaries, but also a healthy dose of the grace and compassion that is so important to a …read more

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What if Masturbation Could Heal Us?

If there’s one topic that freaks Christians out the most, it’s masturbation.

When you tune into the discussion, it can get alarmingly serious.

There are believers who stand on either side of the fence on this topic, but overwhelmingly within the Church, masturbation is considered off-limits.

In a world of passionate forbiddance, I’d like to stand up and ask…

‘What If?’

What if masturbation could heal us?

What if there are people and situations being overlooked in the debate?

What if masturbation is more of a grey area that we ever anticipated?

Masturbation Addiction Is Legit

First of all, let’s acknowledge masturbation can be a serious struggle. It can become a compulsive, damaging addiction. That’s real. For some, masturbation accompanies porn use or voyeurism. It can have real consequences, and for some people, it must remain off-limits.

Further to this, within the Christian belief system, there are clear instructions regarding sexual behaviours. Followers of Jesus are called to avoid sexual activity outside of marriage, including lustful thoughts.

These realities make traversing through ‘What If?’ territory mighty uncomfortable. But we needn’t fear exploring alternative positions. Our God is big, gracious, and sovereign enough to guide us through the grey and uncomfortable.

With this in mind, let’s explore some ways masturbation might be able to heal.

Methadone Masturbation

You’ve probably heard that porn is like a drug. It affects your brain in the same way heroin or cocaine can. Both behavior and substance can become addictive, and users may become dependent, requiring heavier doses to experience the chemical ‘rush’. With both sexual behaviors and drug use, withdrawals are a common struggle when beginning the recovery journey. The suffering associated with withdrawals often leads to relapse.

The solution for heroin or other opioid addicts is Methadone. It is a prescription drug which eases withdrawal symptoms to make the transition to sobriety possible in those …read more

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Free Video Series and Private FB Group – Available Now

We have some pretty exciting news for you.

Here’s the thing, we have a lot of resources for individuals and couples who are struggling with porn use.

Some of these cost money because they fund the development of new resources and initiatives.

But at the end of the day, we want to help as many people as possible…

So when I can announce that we have a new free resource that I think is going to help a lot of men and women I GET EXCITED.

Here is what we have available right NOW and I think you are going to love it.

First, for the men struggling with porn and stuff. We have:

1. A free 3 part video series called “3 Things to Tell Your Wife About Your Pornography Habit.”

I know the idea of sharing your struggle with your wife might seem pretty scary. But it’s what we need to do and these videos will help you with that process.

2. A free private Facebook Group for men only.

In this group, you will be able to access the video series I just told you about plus share with and hear from 1,000’s of other men all on the same journey as you. Plus, we have leaders and staff in this group who will be jumping in and offering encouragement and advice.

Second, for the women married or involved with the men who struggle with porn and these types of things we have:

1. A free 3 part video series called “3 Ways to Help Your Husband Kick His Pornography Habit.”

Yes, it’s his problem. But, it’s also yours because it impacts you and your marriage. You probably already know this but at times feel helpless because you don’t know what to do or how to help …read more

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3 Steps to Keep Yourself Healthy When Married to An Addict

If you are married to an addict, it can be so easy to fall into an unhealthy cycle with your spouse.

Addiction tends to do that. One partner struggles with the addiction and the other struggles to free them.

Sometimes, you don’t even realize that it is happening until you are deep into it. I have been there!

Fortunately, there are better ways to handle your response in the midst of recovery. Below are three steps that have helped me in so many ways. Hopefully they will cast some light for you too.

1. Let Go of Responsibility

When you are made aware of your spouse’s porn problem, the first natural reaction (after being tremendously hurt, of course) usually is the desire to fix it. That is what I tried to do. That is what a lot of other people have tried to do as well. I get it but I don’t recommend it.

First let’s reflect on a couple of truths about pornography addiction: one, your spouse’s addiction is not your fault. In fact, it usually has absolutely zero to do with you. Two, trying to fix your spouse’s problem usually results in more stress and less recovery.

With those two truths in mind, let’s look at what can and will happen when you begin to let go of the responsibility of “fixing” your spouse: once you truly understand that this pornography addiction is utterly not about you or what you lack or what you do or don’t do, there is freedom from responsibility to try and fix it. Nothing that you have done made your spouse go there and nothing you can do will make your spouse recover.

Listen, I know how difficult it is to believe that your spouse watching porn has nothing to do with you, but it’s true. Chances are he or she …read more

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One-Sided Conversations That Lead to Great Sex
x3-fighting-for-my-marriage-facebook-10

In my marriage, I volunteered to do lots of things that I never did. Not in a timely fashion, at least.

HER: “We need to make an appointment with our tax guy.”
ME: “I’ll call him this week.”

HER: “One of our sprinkler heads is broken, and the grass in our front yard is turning brown.”
ME: “No problem. I’ll replace it this weekend.”

HER: “Can you help me upload the photos on my camera to the cloud? I can’t figure it out.”
ME: “Sure. Just leave your camera on my dresser and I’ll take care of it for you.”

If you’ve been married more than a month, you know what’s coming next.
The question.

Oh, it might not come for a week or two, but it’s coming.

“Did you call our tax guy?”
“Did you fix the sprinkler?”
“Can I have my camera back?”

Far too often, instead of owning it like a man, I stuttered and stammered my way into deeper
doo-doo.

“Uhhh, let me think … tax guy … did I make that call? Hmmm. I remember I was going to. Oh
wait, that’s right, I was about to call him and set up our appointment when I got called into a
meeting. Crap! I’ll do it this week.”

“This week?! It should have been done months ago. Why didn’t you call him last week like you
said you would?! Aauuugh!”

“I didn’t have time.”

[Sound of my parachute not opening]

Here’s what “I didn’t have time” really means and what every frustrated woman hears in that
moment:

“I don’t really care that you lose sleep at night worrying about our taxes. I don’t really care that our front yard is ugly and embarrasses you. I don’t really care that you’re stressed out and fearful we might lose the family photos from our summer vacation. What matters to you doesn’t matter to me. You don’t matter to me. I have lots …read more

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