I had the privilege of interviewing Lacy Alajna Bentley on female sex, porn, and love addiction reco …read moreRead More →
I had the privilege of interviewing Lacy Alajna Bentley on female sex, porn, and love addiction reco …read moreRead More →
By roubicekandthacker Last Friday when I tuned into the Staci Sprout‘s Facebook Live show Sex Addiction in the News, I hadRead More →
Last Friday when I tuned into the Staci Sprout‘s Facebook Live show Sex Addiction in the News, I had …read moreRead More →
If you’ve been married for any length of time, you know that the relationship you have with your spouse should be like no other. Two people who’ve made a commitment to each other have started on a journey to merge their lives together. This is almost always a beautiful and messy process all at the same time! At least it has been in my marriage so far.
The process of becoming closer to my wife has gone through a lot of transformation over the years and yet I’m still learning. This word, INTIMACY, has taken on a deeper meaning for me as I’ve discovered what makes my wife tick and what she craves emotionally from me.
For some people, a phrase like “intimacy within marriage” is a scary one, while for others, it just equates to sex.
The truth is, intimacy relies on a lot of different things all working together, making it something we must learn in order to put into practice.
So what steps can you take today to build intimacy within marriage, especially if the flame feels like its starting to go out? Here are three that I’ve found to be landmark actions that I need to take to build intimacy within marriage:
Your spouse needs to know that you love them and that you’re pleased with them. That you find them attractive and gifted at what they do. Encouragement requires you to KNOW your spouse and be PRESENT to their frustrations, fears, and anxieties. It also means celebrating with them on what goes well. If you’re not used to talking, start practicing! We all need encouragement, especially our spouses. Remind them on a daily basis all of the great things you see coming out of their life. Something we often forget is the weight that our spouses often bear upon …read moreRead More →
“John” came into the counseling office looking very despondent. “I don’t understand what happened this week,” he said. “’Jane’ had been doing so well and I have not seen her angry in more than a month. Then she just exploded. Crying, throwing things, cursing at me. I thought we were good. What happened?”
“John” is a recovering pornography addict who has been in therapy for nearly one year and his wife, “Jane,” is working on her own betrayal recovery. What “John” encountered is not unusual for a couple doing the intense work to get their marriage back on track.
“Jane” was going through another bout of grieving over the betrayal she experienced from “John’s” use of pornography during their marriage. What happened with “Jane” is simply part of the recovery process. Men tend to forget the average recovery time for a woman dealing with betrayal is 12-24 months.
Over the past month, “Jane” had been practicing self-soothing herself when she was feeling angry or sad as she thought about “John’s” actions. She was trying to reduce the amount of negativity she was experiencing when spending time with her husband.
There is nothing wrong with “Jane” trying to stay more positive around “John,” her only mistake was she should have told him what she was attempting to do. This would have helped set “John’s” expectations about her recovery.
But he also made mistakes.
Enjoying the stability of a peaceful home, “John” didn’t take opportunity to ask “Jane” how she was dealing with her recovery. If he had, she most likely would have shared her emotions, instead of holding them in.
His second error was mistaking “Jane’s” calm demeanor to indicate she was no longer emotionally or mentally troubled by his pornography addiction. As I tell my male clients, while your wife may be presenting a calm and peaceful …read moreRead More →
As an author and speaker about the inner thoughts and feelings of men, including the visual nature of men, I get a lot of questions from my audiences, like this very common one: “I just discovered my spouse is using porn and am devastated. What should I do?”
My team and I always want to have answers, but since we are social researchers and not counselors, we interviewed Michael Todd Wilson to get his take on this. Michael Todd (MT) is a licensed professional counselor and a certified sex therapist who we highly respect. He gives counsel and advice to men and women all over the country on these topics, and we wanted to tap into his wisdom for a series of articles based on our interviews with him.
What follows is professional and practical advice for the person who has discovered their spouse using porn. For simplicity, we wrote from the viewpoint of a wife discovering her husband’s porn habit, as that is the majority of cases, but the same advice would apply if the roles are reversed.
This advice also assumes the spouses in question have a personal faith in God. We know not all readers will share that personal faith, but we unapologetically believe no one can do this on their own. If you find yourself in this situation, reach out to God and see that you can rely on Him for help in all areas of life – starting with your own difficulties right now.
And that is vital because as you will see, it is essential to ask God to give you the ability to respond well before you tackle this topic with your mate, to have not only good, firm boundaries, but also a healthy dose of the grace and compassion that is so important to a …read moreRead More →
If there’s one topic that freaks Christians out the most, it’s masturbation.
When you tune into the discussion, it can get alarmingly serious.
There are believers who stand on either side of the fence on this topic, but overwhelmingly within the Church, masturbation is considered off-limits.
In a world of passionate forbiddance, I’d like to stand up and ask…
What if masturbation could heal us?
What if there are people and situations being overlooked in the debate?
What if masturbation is more of a grey area that we ever anticipated?
Masturbation Addiction Is Legit
First of all, let’s acknowledge masturbation can be a serious struggle. It can become a compulsive, damaging addiction. That’s real. For some, masturbation accompanies porn use or voyeurism. It can have real consequences, and for some people, it must remain off-limits.
Further to this, within the Christian belief system, there are clear instructions regarding sexual behaviours. Followers of Jesus are called to avoid sexual activity outside of marriage, including lustful thoughts.
These realities make traversing through ‘What If?’ territory mighty uncomfortable. But we needn’t fear exploring alternative positions. Our God is big, gracious, and sovereign enough to guide us through the grey and uncomfortable.
With this in mind, let’s explore some ways masturbation might be able to heal.
You’ve probably heard that porn is like a drug. It affects your brain in the same way heroin or cocaine can. Both behavior and substance can become addictive, and users may become dependent, requiring heavier doses to experience the chemical ‘rush’. With both sexual behaviors and drug use, withdrawals are a common struggle when beginning the recovery journey. The suffering associated with withdrawals often leads to relapse.
The solution for heroin or other opioid addicts is Methadone. It is a prescription drug which eases withdrawal symptoms to make the transition to sobriety possible in those …read moreRead More →
By roubicekandthacker Last week I had the privilege of interviewing Andrew Bauman, the author of the new book The PsycholoRead More →
Last week I had the privilege of interviewing Andrew Bauman, the author of the new book The Psycholo …read moreRead More →
We have some pretty exciting news for you.
Here’s the thing, we have a lot of resources for individuals and couples who are struggling with porn use.
Some of these cost money because they fund the development of new resources and initiatives.
But at the end of the day, we want to help as many people as possible…
So when I can announce that we have a new free resource that I think is going to help a lot of men and women I GET EXCITED.
Here is what we have available right NOW and I think you are going to love it.
I know the idea of sharing your struggle with your wife might seem pretty scary. But it’s what we need to do and these videos will help you with that process.
In this group, you will be able to access the video series I just told you about plus share with and hear from 1,000’s of other men all on the same journey as you. Plus, we have leaders and staff in this group who will be jumping in and offering encouragement and advice.
Yes, it’s his problem. But, it’s also yours because it impacts you and your marriage. You probably already know this but at times feel helpless because you don’t know what to do or how to help …read moreRead More →
If you are married to an addict, it can be so easy to fall into an unhealthy cycle with your spouse.
Addiction tends to do that. One partner struggles with the addiction and the other struggles to free them.
Sometimes, you don’t even realize that it is happening until you are deep into it. I have been there!
Fortunately, there are better ways to handle your response in the midst of recovery. Below are three steps that have helped me in so many ways. Hopefully they will cast some light for you too.
1. Let Go of Responsibility
When you are made aware of your spouse’s porn problem, the first natural reaction (after being tremendously hurt, of course) usually is the desire to fix it. That is what I tried to do. That is what a lot of other people have tried to do as well. I get it but I don’t recommend it.
First let’s reflect on a couple of truths about pornography addiction: one, your spouse’s addiction is not your fault. In fact, it usually has absolutely zero to do with you. Two, trying to fix your spouse’s problem usually results in more stress and less recovery.
With those two truths in mind, let’s look at what can and will happen when you begin to let go of the responsibility of “fixing” your spouse: once you truly understand that this pornography addiction is utterly not about you or what you lack or what you do or don’t do, there is freedom from responsibility to try and fix it. Nothing that you have done made your spouse go there and nothing you can do will make your spouse recover.
Listen, I know how difficult it is to believe that your spouse watching porn has nothing to do with you, but it’s true. Chances are he or she …read moreRead More →
In my marriage, I volunteered to do lots of things that I never did. Not in a timely fashion, at least.
HER: “We need to make an appointment with our tax guy.”
ME: “I’ll call him this week.”
HER: “One of our sprinkler heads is broken, and the grass in our front yard is turning brown.”
ME: “No problem. I’ll replace it this weekend.”
HER: “Can you help me upload the photos on my camera to the cloud? I can’t figure it out.”
ME: “Sure. Just leave your camera on my dresser and I’ll take care of it for you.”
If you’ve been married more than a month, you know what’s coming next.
Oh, it might not come for a week or two, but it’s coming.
“Did you call our tax guy?”
“Did you fix the sprinkler?”
“Can I have my camera back?”
Far too often, instead of owning it like a man, I stuttered and stammered my way into deeper
“Uhhh, let me think … tax guy … did I make that call? Hmmm. I remember I was going to. Oh
wait, that’s right, I was about to call him and set up our appointment when I got called into a
meeting. Crap! I’ll do it this week.”
“This week?! It should have been done months ago. Why didn’t you call him last week like you
said you would?! Aauuugh!”
“I didn’t have time.”
[Sound of my parachute not opening]
Here’s what “I didn’t have time” really means and what every frustrated woman hears in that
“I don’t really care that you lose sleep at night worrying about our taxes. I don’t really care that our front yard is ugly and embarrasses you. I don’t really care that you’re stressed out and fearful we might lose the family photos from our summer vacation. What matters to you doesn’t matter to me. You don’t matter to me. I have lots …read moreRead More →
By roubicekandthacker I’m excited to announce the kickoff of a new resource! My friend Staci Sprout is starting herRead More →
I’m excited to announce the kickoff of a new resource! My friend Staci Sprout is starting her …read moreRead More →
By roubicekandthacker This week I had two great opportunities to share my professional and personal perspectives on the loRead More →
This week I had two great opportunities to share my professional and personal perspectives on the lo …read moreRead More →
I created this powerful video to challenge fathers (and all parents) to wake-up and engage in the ba …read moreRead More →
Today is #GivingTuesday! Please donate to help us fight the harms of pornography, prostitution and sex trafficking:
~~ We really appreciate your kind support! It will allow us to keep our nonprofit up and running, so we can …read moreRead More →
The creators of the ‘Sexy Baby’ documentary on porn’s harms to teens have now premiered the ‘Hot Girls Wanted’ documentary’ — about the exploitative world of teen amateur porn:
Please support the campaign to BOYCOTT Fifty Shades of Grey and to donate to domestic violence shelters instead! ~~~ #50dollarsnot50shades !!
You can out more about this campaign at the Facebook page for “50 Dollars not 50 Shades” below, which we encourage you to LIKE and support!
Here is …read moreRead More →
We support comprehensive and age appropriate sex education, but we do NOT support teaching CHILDREN to use PORNOGRAPHY or ILLEGAL DRUGS, like this “adolescent sexuality conference” does! ~~
Here’s a powerful testimonial from a young woman who was just one of many teen victims of pornographic extortion — by a very sick man who ruined many girls’ lives.
Here is a powerful VIDEO from our SayNOtoSadomasochism YouTube channel! It addresses the parallels between BDSM and George Orwell’s 1984.
It’s by our new anti-BDSM ally and collaboration partner RepublicofSandals, who does a great job explaining how sadomasochism exemplifies the contradictions, double-think and insanity found in “1984.”
To sum it …read moreRead More →
Practicing BDSM often leads to SEVERE ABUSE: A mentally disabled teen girl was imprisoned, trafficked and tortured — for SIX YEARS — by a couple who pimped her out for profit to other sadists for their sick sexual pleasure.
First she was groomed with pornography, as is often the case with …read moreRead More →
Here’s a powerful, heartbreaking, but inspirational story of ex porn performer “Sunset Thomas” (@SunsetThomas) — who was in the porn industry for decades, (she made over 200 films), and who also worked for years in Nevada’s legal brothels.
Now known by her real name Diane, this article shares her story, describing …read moreRead More →