3 Quick Tips to Handle the Truth About Yourself

By J.S. Park Self-improvement always sounds like a great thing until we actually dig in and get our hands dirty. We talk about the need for accountability, but the second we turn that scalpel inward, we flinch and fight and justify our way out. It can be messy, awful work to hear the truth about […]

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8 Practical Tips To Quit Masturbating

By Jeff Fisher Quitting masturbation isn’t easy–even veterans still have challenges in this area. But it is a battle you can win. Here are some practical ideas that have helped me: 1. Have Healthy Outlets Masturbators are energetic, creative, and passionate people who have a lot to offer. Find healthy places where you can take […]

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Her Favorite Oxymoron

By Jeff Borkoski Webster’s defines oxymoron as “a combination of contradictory or incongruous words.” Here are a few of my favorite: Freezer burn, pretty ugly, loose tights, soft rock, numb feeling, minor crisis, only choice, growing smaller, random order, jumbo shrimp, and quite possibly the most wickedly ingenious phrase ever devised by evil marketers and […]

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Porn addiction

By XXXchurch Visitor Letter to myself: I don’t know how to say it I’m a 55year old male and I can’t get an erection without watching porn i need to do it to touch my wife Letter from my sex addict: I don’t know what I’m doing The post Porn addiction appeared first on XXXchurch.com.

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4 Ways Porn Will Ruin Your Sex Life

By Shellie R. Warren A couple of years ago, Huffington Post published an article with this title: “5 Reasons Why Watching Porn Together Can Be Good For Your Relationship.” Their reasons? 1. It is a shared experience. 2. It’s an easy way to learn about your partner’s fantasies. 3. It can speed up foreplay. 4. […]

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One Way to Help Your Spouse Recover

By Melissa Ruff Do you really want to know how to help your spouse the most during his or her recovery from porn addiction? Work on your own recovery. Sounds kind of backward, doesn’t it? Well, it isn’t. In fact, it is the exact thing that you need to do at this exact moment in […]

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Dear Daddy – An Open Letter To The Addicted Dad

By Andy Janning Dear Daddy: I now know what you were doing. I didn’t at first, though. I didn’t know why you went to the bathroom so often when you were home, especially when Momma had to go to the store or visit a friend and it was just you and me. You’d take your […]

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3 Tips for Struggling Honeymooners

By Alice Taylor Honeymoons seem to be both the most precious but underwhelming experience of married life. From my own experience, and countless stories I’ve heard, there’s something deeply sacred about beginning a marriage, but the actual honeymoon experience can be somewhat disheartening. Sharing space and sex with another human often isn’t what young couples […]

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5 Surprisingly Simple Ways To Lead Better At Home

By Carey Nieuwhof Remember your first date? You were so focused on making a great impression: You thought through where to take her (or him in some cases) about 1,000 times. You were deeply interested in each other and listened more than you spoke. You held the door open. You chose what to eat off […]

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Embrace Your Inner Detective

By Jeff Borkoski I rarely use my emergency brake. It’s mostly flat where I live along the coast. Sea level is, for the most part, level. But every once in awhile, for some inexplicable reason, I’ll park my car and depress the emergency brake – shove that baby to the floor! Well, you can already […]

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3 Things I Wish My Parents Had Told Me About Sex

By Kevin E. Outland Sex wasn’t something we talked much about at my house growing up. Yes, my dad gave me the ol’ birds and bees talk and yes, I was taught that God wanted me to save sex for marriage. Thankfully, that teaching took. I made it to marriage a virgin. But I can […]

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5 Steps to Survive Separation or Divorce

By Jill Barlow Sexual betrayal in a relationship causes a multitude of issues. There are couples who decide separate for a period of time, in order to give space for healing. This is totally normal and ok to do. Many couples get back together after being separated. Unfortunately, other marriages end in divorce. Either way, […]

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Help

By XXXchurch Visitor Letter to myself: Dear ______, You know what you have done is sinful but you never stopped. You have hurt everyone who cares for you, and continuously disappointed them. You pretend that everything is ok but you’re actually falling apart, inside. You use everyone that is nice to you and you make […]

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Help yourself

By XXXchurch Visitor Letter to myself: Dear ______ You know what you have been doing and you should be ashamed of yourself. Your actions have hurt everyone that cares for you, that’s why they are leaving you. Do you want to end up alone? You have to face the fact that you’re hiding your own […]

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3 Lies Porn Taught Me About Sex

Sadly, most people—both men and women—don’t know what sex is today.

It was a fall day in third grade. I jumped off the bus and abided by my normal routine of climbing my next-door neighbor’s fence and knocking on the front door to join Jackson, my next door neighbor, in whatever nonsense he was getting into that day.

From the moment he opened the door, something about the wild in his eyes and the smirk on his face told me today was different. He anxiously invited me in, quietly shut the door behind me, and ran upstairs. I followed him to the back of the house where a storage closet opened up to a walk-in attic.

Apparently his mom wasn’t aware of the dozen boxes of Playboys packed away when she asked Jackson to organize the attic that day. He wasn’t sad about her ignorance, and neither were my preteen hormones. We spent the next sixty minutes skimming the magazines and creating misconceptions about sex that would take me years to understand.

My earliest sexual awakening was built on fantasizing about women who weren’t actually real. These bad ideas about sex continued to be facilitated by the occasional exposure to pornography throughout my teenage years. And even though I never developed an addiction, my exposure was enough to keep me thoroughly misinformed about sex.

Most men have their own version of this story. According to recent statistics in 2013, 85% of men look at pornography at least once a month. And part of the 85% or not, we’ve all likely been misinformed about sex by marketers and the media throughout our lives.

Pornography has lied to us about sex. It elicits and perpetuates ideas about intimacy that are actually more about fantasy than they are about real sex. It has taken a gift given to us …read more

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Will You Choose Freedom?

We live in a weird world. Our society shames people for acknowledging that you can’t do it all alone.

I’m convinced that the individualism we love to champion is actually destroying us. Why is there such a stigma surrounding the need for others?

What are we trying to prove? And to whom?

We weren’t meant to do everything all alone.

When it comes to avoiding or overcoming habits – and especially something that can be as addictive as pornography – we need help more than ever. I would love it if we could be a part of rewriting the script – doing away with the word “shame” and replacing it with something like “brave.”

Certainly, vulnerability takes bravery, and there is nothing shameful about doing anything and everything that you can to protect yourself, your family, and your future from the devastating effects that pornography can have on you and the ones you love.

It. Is. Everywhere.

From interstate billboards to the nightly news to the magazine rack in an airport souvenir store to the iPhone in your back pocket, pornography has become a normalized, everyday part of our culture.

Click Here to JoinPerhaps most notably as of late: the current scandal surrounding the President of the United States.

I think that it should be a wake-up call to all of us. I suppose I’m taking a risk even mentioning it, what with how volatile our current political climate, but I also think it must be said. We have an opportunity to learn something profound here.

For those who aren’t aware, President Donald Trump and a pornography star named Stormy Daniels are currently in the middle of a big, public lawsuit. A bunch of news outlets have been covering the story, and 60 …read more

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3 Simple Ways To Build Intimacy Within Marriage
build-intimacy

If you’ve been married for any length of time, you know that the relationship you have with your spouse should be like no other. Two people who’ve made a commitment to each other have started on a journey to merge their lives together. This is almost always a beautiful and messy process all at the same time! At least it has been in my marriage so far.

The process of becoming closer to my wife has gone through a lot of transformation over the years and yet I’m still learning. This word, INTIMACY, has taken on a deeper meaning for me as I’ve discovered what makes my wife tick and what she craves emotionally from me.

For some people, a phrase like “intimacy within marriage” is a scary one, while for others, it just equates to sex.

The truth is, intimacy relies on a lot of different things all working together, making it something we must learn in order to put into practice.

So what steps can you take today to build intimacy within marriage, especially if the flame feels like its starting to go out? Here are three that I’ve found to be landmark actions that I need to take to build intimacy within marriage:

1. Encourage

Your spouse needs to know that you love them and that you’re pleased with them. That you find them attractive and gifted at what they do. Encouragement requires you to KNOW your spouse and be PRESENT to their frustrations, fears, and anxieties. It also means celebrating with them on what goes well. If you’re not used to talking, start practicing! We all need encouragement, especially our spouses. Remind them on a daily basis all of the great things you see coming out of their life. Something we often forget is the weight that our spouses often bear upon …read more

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Don’t Get Caught Off Guard with Their Grieving
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“John” came into the counseling office looking very despondent. “I don’t understand what happened this week,” he said. “’Jane’ had been doing so well and I have not seen her angry in more than a month. Then she just exploded. Crying, throwing things, cursing at me. I thought we were good. What happened?”

“John” is a recovering pornography addict who has been in therapy for nearly one year and his wife, “Jane,” is working on her own betrayal recovery. What “John” encountered is not unusual for a couple doing the intense work to get their marriage back on track.

“Jane” was going through another bout of grieving over the betrayal she experienced from “John’s” use of pornography during their marriage. What happened with “Jane” is simply part of the recovery process. Men tend to forget the average recovery time for a woman dealing with betrayal is 12-24 months.

Over the past month, “Jane” had been practicing self-soothing herself when she was feeling angry or sad as she thought about “John’s” actions. She was trying to reduce the amount of negativity she was experiencing when spending time with her husband.

There is nothing wrong with “Jane” trying to stay more positive around “John,” her only mistake was she should have told him what she was attempting to do. This would have helped set “John’s” expectations about her recovery.

But he also made mistakes.

Enjoying the stability of a peaceful home, “John” didn’t take opportunity to ask “Jane” how she was dealing with her recovery. If he had, she most likely would have shared her emotions, instead of holding them in.

His second error was mistaking “Jane’s” calm demeanor to indicate she was no longer emotionally or mentally troubled by his pornography addiction. As I tell my male clients, while your wife may be presenting a calm and peaceful …read more

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4 Ways To Respond To Your Spouse’s Porn Problem

As an author and speaker about the inner thoughts and feelings of men, including the visual nature of men, I get a lot of questions from my audiences, like this very common one: “I just discovered my spouse is using porn and am devastated. What should I do?

My team and I always want to have answers, but since we are social researchers and not counselors, we interviewed Michael Todd Wilson to get his take on this. Michael Todd (MT) is a licensed professional counselor and a certified sex therapist who we highly respect. He gives counsel and advice to men and women all over the country on these topics, and we wanted to tap into his wisdom for a series of articles based on our interviews with him.

What follows is professional and practical advice for the person who has discovered their spouse using porn. For simplicity, we wrote from the viewpoint of a wife discovering her husband’s porn habit, as that is the majority of cases, but the same advice would apply if the roles are reversed.

This advice also assumes the spouses in question have a personal faith in God. We know not all readers will share that personal faith, but we unapologetically believe no one can do this on their own. If you find yourself in this situation, reach out to God and see that you can rely on Him for help in all areas of life – starting with your own difficulties right now.

And that is vital because as you will see, it is essential to ask God to give you the ability to respond well before you tackle this topic with your mate, to have not only good, firm boundaries, but also a healthy dose of the grace and compassion that is so important to a …read more

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What if Masturbation Could Heal Us?

If there’s one topic that freaks Christians out the most, it’s masturbation.

When you tune into the discussion, it can get alarmingly serious.

There are believers who stand on either side of the fence on this topic, but overwhelmingly within the Church, masturbation is considered off-limits.

In a world of passionate forbiddance, I’d like to stand up and ask…

‘What If?’

What if masturbation could heal us?

What if there are people and situations being overlooked in the debate?

What if masturbation is more of a grey area that we ever anticipated?

Masturbation Addiction Is Legit

First of all, let’s acknowledge masturbation can be a serious struggle. It can become a compulsive, damaging addiction. That’s real. For some, masturbation accompanies porn use or voyeurism. It can have real consequences, and for some people, it must remain off-limits.

Further to this, within the Christian belief system, there are clear instructions regarding sexual behaviours. Followers of Jesus are called to avoid sexual activity outside of marriage, including lustful thoughts.

These realities make traversing through ‘What If?’ territory mighty uncomfortable. But we needn’t fear exploring alternative positions. Our God is big, gracious, and sovereign enough to guide us through the grey and uncomfortable.

With this in mind, let’s explore some ways masturbation might be able to heal.

Methadone Masturbation

You’ve probably heard that porn is like a drug. It affects your brain in the same way heroin or cocaine can. Both behavior and substance can become addictive, and users may become dependent, requiring heavier doses to experience the chemical ‘rush’. With both sexual behaviors and drug use, withdrawals are a common struggle when beginning the recovery journey. The suffering associated with withdrawals often leads to relapse.

The solution for heroin or other opioid addicts is Methadone. It is a prescription drug which eases withdrawal symptoms to make the transition to sobriety possible in those …read more

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Free Video Series and Private FB Group – Available Now

We have some pretty exciting news for you.

Here’s the thing, we have a lot of resources for individuals and couples who are struggling with porn use.

Some of these cost money because they fund the development of new resources and initiatives.

But at the end of the day, we want to help as many people as possible…

So when I can announce that we have a new free resource that I think is going to help a lot of men and women I GET EXCITED.

Here is what we have available right NOW and I think you are going to love it.

First, for the men struggling with porn and stuff. We have:

1. A free 3 part video series called “3 Things to Tell Your Wife About Your Pornography Habit.”

I know the idea of sharing your struggle with your wife might seem pretty scary. But it’s what we need to do and these videos will help you with that process.

2. A free private Facebook Group for men only.

In this group, you will be able to access the video series I just told you about plus share with and hear from 1,000’s of other men all on the same journey as you. Plus, we have leaders and staff in this group who will be jumping in and offering encouragement and advice.

Second, for the women married or involved with the men who struggle with porn and these types of things we have:

1. A free 3 part video series called “3 Ways to Help Your Husband Kick His Pornography Habit.”

Yes, it’s his problem. But, it’s also yours because it impacts you and your marriage. You probably already know this but at times feel helpless because you don’t know what to do or how to help …read more

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3 Steps to Keep Yourself Healthy When Married to An Addict

If you are married to an addict, it can be so easy to fall into an unhealthy cycle with your spouse.

Addiction tends to do that. One partner struggles with the addiction and the other struggles to free them.

Sometimes, you don’t even realize that it is happening until you are deep into it. I have been there!

Fortunately, there are better ways to handle your response in the midst of recovery. Below are three steps that have helped me in so many ways. Hopefully they will cast some light for you too.

1. Let Go of Responsibility

When you are made aware of your spouse’s porn problem, the first natural reaction (after being tremendously hurt, of course) usually is the desire to fix it. That is what I tried to do. That is what a lot of other people have tried to do as well. I get it but I don’t recommend it.

First let’s reflect on a couple of truths about pornography addiction: one, your spouse’s addiction is not your fault. In fact, it usually has absolutely zero to do with you. Two, trying to fix your spouse’s problem usually results in more stress and less recovery.

With those two truths in mind, let’s look at what can and will happen when you begin to let go of the responsibility of “fixing” your spouse: once you truly understand that this pornography addiction is utterly not about you or what you lack or what you do or don’t do, there is freedom from responsibility to try and fix it. Nothing that you have done made your spouse go there and nothing you can do will make your spouse recover.

Listen, I know how difficult it is to believe that your spouse watching porn has nothing to do with you, but it’s true. Chances are he or she …read more

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